The things toxic partners say are usually targeted at manipulating their significant others psychologically.
Their stance is often selfish, and their words tend to make their partners start to doubt themselves and even question their own sanity.
If you find that you cannot freely express yourself concerning your hurts in your relationship because of how your partner would react, you may want to watch it.
The primary effect of gaslighting is to make the gaslighted think that every bad thing that happens to them is their own fault and no one else’s.
Even when their partner hurt them, the responsibility for the hurt would be oddly twisted back to them, the victim.
Luckily, the toxic traces of gaslighting usually show themselves in words spoken to the victim. This article outlines the most common of them so that you can easily detect toxicity affecting your relationship and self-esteem.
1. You Are Being Too Emotional
One of the most common things toxic partners say is that their significant other is being too emotional.
When you try to tell them that their words and actions hurt you or try to express disappointment or sadness concerning their attitude towards you, they accuse you of being too sensitive.
They continue to do this until it seems like you derive joy in throwing tantrums over nothing, and you feel stupid for even bringing it up.
Gaslighting you in this way erodes your ability to stand up for yourself and colors your perception of self.
It also makes you store up or even dismiss grievances in your heart without being able to lend a voice to them for fear that you will be accused of being too emotional.
This is one of the reasons people who are obviously suffering abuse in a relationship continue to endure it because they are now unable to comprehend the abuse they are suffering.
2. I Was Merely Joking
‘Can’t you take a joke?’ sounds like one of the things toxic partners say when they want to downplay the hurtful things they said to you.
Rather than apologize for saying or doing something painful to you, whether or not it was their intention, they’d change the way they passed it and say it was merely a joke.
Gaslighting in this manner aims to keep the victim in a perpetual cycle of hurt and makes them doubt their right to express the hurt they are feeling. It also messes with the victim’s perception of being wronged.
Reducing the reason for the victim’s pain to a mere joke is just another way to shift the blame and responsibility from the abuser and make the victim feel miserable for even talking in the first place.
3. I Said That Because I Care About You
Suppose your partner tells you they said hurtful things to you out of love or care; that is a red flag.
They could keep saying this until you believe it, and soon you’d be making excuses for them and downplaying your perception of reality and what is right and wrong.
Gaslighters do this a lot. They use love as the basis for their hurtful actions towards you.
They try to make you believe that their control, abuse, and excessive criticism is because they have your intentions at heart.
They make you think they are correcting you in love and trying to bring out the best in you when they are simply bordering on narcissism.
If you notice that your partner says things like this, you should know that it is undoubtedly one of the things toxic partners say, and you ought to tread carefully.
You may not understand the extent of the damage this can cause until a toxic partner extends this behavior to other areas of your life, like your career.
They may turn down offers for you without your permission or sabotage your friendships under the guise that they are doing it for your good.
The truth is that their motive is selfish because most partners who are gaslighters want to control the lives of those around them.
4. I’m Sorry If You Think What I Said Was Hurtful
This one looks like an apology, but do not be fooled for a moment. It is a half-baked attempt at an apology that they gave reluctantly.
Upon closer examination, you would see that this particular statement somehow blame the victim for seeing something hurtful or being hurt about stuff that is irrelevant or doesn’t matter.
So, in a twisted way, it pushes the responsibility of the abuse from the abuser himself to the victim.
That they are sorry if you think what they said is hurtful is definitely one of the things toxic partners say.
Generally, the effect of this kind of statement on the victim is mentally tiring.
First, there is a whole cycle of thoughts in their head where they wonder if they were right in expressing their hurt and expecting or seeking an apology.
Then, they consider the words of their abuser and try to rationalize them against their feelings. If this continues, their partner’s toxicity might soon wear out their reasoning.
5. You’re Making Things Up
This type of gaslighting is pretty dangerous because the way it is presented would make you doubt your sanity.
If your partner tells you that you’re making things up, especially about something that you have proof of, note that this is one of the things toxic partners say.
Gaslighting partners usually say things like this when they are backed up in a corner and confronted about a grave wrong on their part.
If they have little or no defense to justify their mistakes, they try to lie about the situation and pretend that it never happened.
They may even vehemently deny that any such thing ever happened.
Suppose you go ahead to provide evidence of the said event, they will make you doubt your perception of reality by strongly questioning your ability to remember anything that happened and calling you crazy to the boot.
At some point, you may start to think that you are crazy, too, especially when they discount your evidence to the extent that it sounds like you have brought rubbish to the table.
Ultimately, you may succumb due to the mental drain all these can lead to.
6. You’re Just Too Jealous
This type of gaslighting statement is usually employed in cases where a partner is suspected of cheating or confronted for such under implicating circumstances.
They make you feel paranoid and crazy for making such assumptions by taking the heat off themselves and attacking the feelings under which you made such accusations.
They can make you feel like you are the one with the problem by saying that you are jealous or clingy, thereby putting you in the wrong for daring to call them out on their bad behavior.
If, for instance, one sees their partner heavily flirting with another person or witnesses them getting emotionally involved with another, a confrontation would typically follow.
If the partner is a gaslighter for a partner, their worries would be deflected on the grounds of over-sensitivity and jealousy.
Naturally, you would begin to doubt your instincts and even the concrete evidence you may have against your partner because of this manipulation.
7. Nobody Can Put Up With You As I Do
A gaslighter wants to control the situation and has reason to be scared if you have the potentials and advantages that could attract others to you.
Since they can’t control the way others see you, they will try to control what they can get their hands on instead.
This is where they influence how you see yourself, so you would be too insecure, uncertain, and afraid to leave the relationship.
What a toxic partner would do to achieve this is to chip away at your self-esteem and self-worth.
They focus on your weaknesses, identify and even make up criticisms about little imperfections that can easily be overlooked.
They magnify them so much until you grade yourself by that measure and eventually start to look down on yourself too.
When your partner constantly makes you feel like you would be useless without them and tells you that no one else would tolerate and love you as they do, that is one of the things toxic partners say.
They effectively stifle any signs of resistance on your part from this mental hold by calling you ungrateful or undeserving whenever you want to express discomfort at the way you are being treated.
8. If You Love Me, You Will
With a heavy element of emotional blackmail at play, toxic partners often employ this tactic to guilt-trip their significant other into doing things for them or letting go of things for them.
The consideration looming over the head of the victim here is their love for their partner.
The toxic partner takes advantage of that and tries to blackmail their partner into doing something for them in an effort to prove their love and dedication.
Besides using this psychological ploy to force their partner to do something for them, toxic partners often do this to reaffirm their sense of security in the relationship.
They might be insecure about their worthiness and whether they deserve to be in that relationship. This could move them to pressure their partner on the basis of proving their love.
Toxic partners often do this to satisfy themselves that their significant other isn’t cheating on them.
So it becomes, if you love me, you’d let me check your phone or know where you are at all times and who you’re with.
If you find yourself in this situation, heads up because this is one of the things toxic partners say.
If you find yourself in a position where you are forced to do something (even things you’d ordinarily do with no qualms) to prove your love to your partner, particularly at their direct or implied request, you are being gaslighted.
9. You Made Me Do It
At this juncture, one can easily deduce that gaslighters are present in different forms in a relationship. One of such forms is a physically or emotionally abusive partner.
When a person abuses their partner physically or otherwise, they often experience a moment of clarity and calmness after the act.
During this time, some of them struggle to wrap their heads around the fact that they had done something like that to their partner.
Their narcissistic side would also never let them admit to guilt, but they recognize that someone has to take the blame.
This is the point where somehow, it becomes the victim’s fault that they were abused because of something they said or did or did not do, which in turn set off the abuser.
It is in line with this conclusion that abusive people say to their partners that they made them do it, and it is undeniably one of the things toxic partners say to their significant others in the event of abuse.
10. Saying, ‘I’m Not Angry When They Are Giving You Silent Treatment
This type of gaslighting keeps you on your toes and makes you feel guilty until your partner decides to call off the silent treatment.
Unfortunately, partners like this prefer to keep their resentment in for a while before resolving it for no apparent reason.
In cases like this, the bone of contention might often be something trivial, but they make it into a mountain to justify their unfair attitude towards you.
This unwillingness to move past conflicts and saying they are not angry when they are ignoring you is one of the things toxic partners say to make you suffer for a while for annoying them.
The purpose behind this form of gaslighting is not easily discernible.
However, toxic partners often employ this tactic to keep their significant other uncomfortable, repentant, and guilty enough to do anything for them to atone for their wrongdoing and get back in their good graces.
11. You Misunderstand Me
Some toxic partners would outrightly hurt you and still say they did not mean it the way you think.
So when your partner says you misunderstood their words or actions after they hurt you, they are gaslighting you, which is one of the things toxic partners say.
Besides that, it is an attack on your intelligence, and this very statement questions the credibility of your reasoning.
By this, I mean that it makes you want to question or doubt your ability to comprehend the clear meaning of a particular toxic action or statement. You start to imagine that there is probably another meaning to what your partner said.
By doing this, a toxic partner takes over the reins of the confrontation and puts the victim in the hot seat instead, all in a bid to shift the responsibility for the abuse.
Rather than focus on resolving the subject of hurt felt, the victim is backed into a corner where they are questioning the logic behind their feelings.
12. You Need To Get Help
When confronted, a gaslighting partner could tell you that you are crazy and need help. They try to convince you that nothing of that manner happened or that it didn’t happen the way you are saying it.
They make it look like you have only imagined the incident you are recounting in your head. This negatively affects the victim and makes them question their judgment.
In addition, it can be unnerving to be told to the face that what you are saying is untrue and never happened when you are actively trying to express yourself.
Then there is the part of being tagged crazy because you have been imagining things.
13. Who Will Believe You?
One potent tool that effectively aids gaslighting is isolation. Gaslighters often use this tool to ensure they are the only ones emotionally close to their partners.
They subtly but deliberately plant seeds of discord in their partner’s relationships and sabotage their other friendships with an aim in mind.
They wish to keep their partner isolated so that they have no one to rely on in times of trouble. They also do it so that their partner can swallow hook, line, and sinker every lie they say.
They often achieve this by placing their partner in a position where they have to choose between them and their family, friends, and colleagues.
When their partners resist such attempts, they guilt-trip them in every way until they succumb.
With all their other relationships suffering strain or sabotage, victims cannot speak up when their partners abuse them and then blame them for it.
Since they are not exactly on good terms with their friends and family, they are inclined to agree when their abusive partner points out that nobody will believe that they are being maltreated.
So they suffer in silence because they think they are all alone and have no one to rescue them.
14. Can We Talk About This Later?
Gaslighting also presents itself in the form of postponing confrontation.
Rather than deal with the issue when it is brought up, a gaslighting partner would repeatedly delay the ‘talk,’ probably hoping that the hurt partner would soon grow weary and stop asking or maybe forget the matter altogether.
Replying with a ‘can we talk about this later?’ is a sign of avoiding responsibility (a famous trait of gaslighters) and is one of the things toxic partners say to avoid accepting blame for their wrongdoings.
Of course, you can’t conclude that your partner is a gaslighter if they say this on a few, far-between occasions.
So it would be unfair to make such a conclusion. But if they do this repeatedly, and you find that you cannot voice any complaints, grievances, or uncertainties you may have because your partner keeps postponing your conversations, then you may have a gaslighter on your hands.
15. I Take Responsibility More Than You Do
Somehow, it seems logical to some gaslighters to maltreat their partners because they take more responsibility in the relationship.
This is very common among cohabiting partners and married couples. In cases where one partner contributes more than the other to the relationship (especially financially), it gives such a partner the impetus to act out of order.
If you try to confront your partner about how they are treating you, and they make the defense of taking on more responsibility than you, then you should know that that is one of the things a toxic partner would say.
Gaslighters would readily take any opportunity to blame anyone else but themselves for their cruelty or defend their actions on what seemed to them as justifiable grounds.
Things Toxic Girlfriends Say
The things toxic girlfriends say are usually targeted at gaslighting you or making mockery of your vulnerability. Here is a perfect example:
1. You Are Overly Sensitive
Men are often thought to be the only partners or the more significant percentage of partners that engage in gaslighting. But the reality is that women can also be gaslighters.
Female gaslighters often treat as inconsequential the feelings of their male partners.
When their men express hurt, disappointment, or dissatisfaction over an issue, they say the men are being overly sensitive, blowing the matter out of proportion, or getting worked up over nothing.
It is almost like they expect their male partners to express no feelings that aren’t aggressive and befitting masculinity.
Any display of emotions to the contrary would attract toxic statements and responses.
Hurtful Toxic Things Toxic Partners Say In An Argument
The hurtful things toxic partners say in an argument are usually centered towards shifting blames. Here are examples of the painful things toxic partners say:
1. You Are Crazy
When toxic partners say hurtful things to their significant other, it is usually to deflect the focus of guilt on them and redirect the shame and blame to the victim, thereby creating an atmosphere of uncertainty.
They would say their partner is crazy and doesn’t know what they are saying when they speak up about their hurt.
They can also be emotionally cruel by saying they have no one else to run to or seek help or refuge from in times of trouble, especially if this part is true or if the victim believes it to be so.
2. You Are Unlovable
They can also say that no one else would be willing to put up with the victim’s incompetence and that they are so unlovable that no one else would have them.
3. I Feed You, So I Deserve Respect
There are many toxic things partners can say to each other in an argument that tilts towards gaslighting, whether it was intentionally said or not.
Considering the fact that it’s an argument, and there is readily an imagery of two people yelling at each other in mind, the partners will likely be on the offensive and defensive rather than on the path of reconciliation.
In that regard, they may say things suggesting that one person handles more responsibility than the other and so deserves more respect.
But then everyone in the relationship should be respected whether they contribute financially to the relationship or not.
Most Toxic Things Partners Say
What are the most toxic things partners say? Of all the toxic things partners say, the most damaging are definitely those that undermine your sanity or memory.
Even though it is terrible as well, toxic things your partner says that undermine your sense of judgment and level of sensitivity hold no candle to the ones that make you doubt your sanity.
The negativity can build up so much until you become psychologically dependent and downright crazy.
Saying toxic things like an incident never happened and strongly discrediting the evidence you have of the event is one that threatens your sanity.
Another dimension to this is repeatedly calling you crazy for even thinking that such a thing happened and rearranging the sequence of events in such a way that makes you believe there are gaps in your memory.
CONCLUSION
Gaslighting is a more common problem than we think. It plays out in the subtle manipulative attitudes our family members, friends, colleagues, etc. may display towards us.
But as expected, it is more pronounced in romantic relationships, where a different level of vulnerability is required, and it hurts even worse.
Gaslighting can build up in a relationship so much that it becomes too toxic for the partner on the receiving end to continue.
Or maybe it is at a stage where the effect of the manipulation is just starting to strain the relationship.
Whatever the circumstance, you deserve a partner who appreciates, respects, and genuinely loves you and not one who constantly gaslights you.
This article, 15 Things Toxic Partners Say to Gaslight You, is a guide that brings to light most of the toxic things you should look out for to determine if your partner is a gaslighter.
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