Sometimes the signs of an abusive relationship can be subtle that the person on the receiving end or outsiders may not notice that abuse is going on. And this is the purpose of this article, to expose some of these signs, no matter how subtle they might appear.
Abuse and violence are serious relationship issues and are even public health concerns. World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that one in three women experience abuse while one in seven men also experience the same.
It is worthy of note that abuse may not always be physical. It could also be emotional or verbal. Here are some of the signs of an abusive relationship.
15 Signs Of An Abusive Relationship
What are the signs of an abusive relationship? See some below.
1. They Are Controlling
One of the glaring signs of an abusive partner or relationship is when one partner is the judge, jury, and executioner. A relationship is meant to be the coming together of two people to share their life.
It is not an invitation to autocracy. When one partner is the god and expects the other person to just obey, that is a red flag. One person should not make all of the decisions.
Sometimes in a relationship, you see that one partner always wants to have their way. And when they are denied, they throw tantrums or give the silent treatment.
A partner can also be controlled when they want to dictate where their partner goes, who they speak to, what they buy, and what they watch online. They can also dictate to the partner how to dress, speak, and even what to do with their lives.
2. They Blame You For Everything
Another sign that a partner is abusive is what they do after they hurt you. This particular characteristic is not just present in spousal relationships. You can also find it in filial relationships.
It is the modus operandi of abusers. Whenever something goes wrong, they shift the blame, even if it is their fault. An example would be when someone goes violent on a partner and, after a while, goes to comfort and apologize.
You hear the abuser say some things like, ‘I hit you because you annoyed me. They are always ready to play the victim. That is one sign that such a partner is abusive.
When they make a bad decision, and it backfires, they also push the blame on their partner. You may hear them say something like, ‘You should have advised me not to venture into this business.’
3. They Threaten You
Another strong sign of an abusive relationship is when one partner begins to threaten the other. Granted, there would be quarrels in the relationship because humans are uniquely different, but it should not degenerate into the issuance of threats.
Once it gets to that point, then there is a problem. Is your partner saying things like, “ I will deal with you!”, “I will kill you!” then you should be wary because oftentimes, these threats are carried out.
Abusers, when they use these threats, hope to achieve one thing. They want to make the partner cower into silence; they want to get their partner to submit.
One other way abusers use to threaten their partners is to break stuff. They take hold of valuable objects and smash or break them with the intent of causing their partner to get scared.
4. They Engage In Non-Consensual Lovemaking
An obvious sign that someone is in an abusive relationship is when they are forced to make love. Lovemaking should be an activity that both partners should enjoy. It is an activity that both partners should agree on having.
When consent is not given, when it is not mutual, then it is abuse. It does not even need to involve physical violence for it to be considered abuse. They feel like they are entitled to their partner’s body.
They expect their partners to always be ready to go when they feel like it, even when they won’t move an inch when they are not in the mood.
In the incidence that their partner does not agree or resist, some use force. And this result in rough lovemaking, which most times will leave the partner bruised in their intimate areas.
5. They Abuse You Verbally
Many people do not know that abuse is not only physical; it can be emotional or verbal as well. And this is exactly one of the reasons why abuse can be subtle. Words are potent and can cause emotional damage.
Sometimes a partner may not raise their hands on their partner, but they can say hurtful things to their partner that can seriously damage their ego and self-esteem. Here are some of the things that a partner can say, and it amounts to abuse.
1. They attack your looks, abilities, or intelligence: for example, “There is absolutely nothing you are good at. You suck at cooking, lovemaking, and business.”, “You always look miserable,” “Away with your sob face.”
2. They tell you that they are your only hope: for Example, “You don’t have anyone to go to. I am all you have. No one would ever desire you. I am doing you a favor by being with you.”
6. There Is A History Of Abuse
How can one know the signs of an abusive relationship? One of the signs is a history of abuse. If your partner has ever abused you or someone in the past, then there is a high chance that they will still abuse you in the future.
Even if it was just once, sometimes you hear people who perpetrate violence usually say it was a mistake. They might even show genuine remorse and promise never to repeat such. And their partners believe them.
Thus falling into a trap and a cycle of abuse where the abuser is always asking for forgiveness after hurting their partner. So, if they perpetrate abuse once, then there is no guarantee that they won’t do it again.
7. They Isolate You From Friends And Family
One of the tools abusers use to retain control and power over their victims is isolation. The goal is to make you an island and make it impossible for people to reach out to and help you.
That is why an abuser would get angry when you meet with a friend or family that opposes them.
They ask you to cut them off because these people can see through the charade. An abusive partner would want their word to be law and would make enemies out of anyone who opposes them.
They know that the more you are exposed to divergent views about the reality they paint for you, there is a chance for them to break free from their hold.
So, they make a list of people that you should not visit or people that shouldn’t visit you. They make sure they cut any communication ties you have with anyone else, as this increases the chance of their partner breaking free of their control.
8. They Limit Your Access To Finance
One of the ways to know that a relationship is abusive is when one partner lords money over the other. And this is prevalent in a relationship when it is just one partner that is earning money in the relationship.
They tend to use limiting access to funds as a form of punishment when you disagree with them or do what they don’t approve of.
Another way abusers perpetrate financial abuse is by giving you handouts or allowances without asking for your opinion.
You do not have a say whatsoever on how money is spent in the relationship. Sometimes they don’t give you money for food and basic amenities when you two fight.
In some cases, they push their partners who have jobs to either leave their job and stay home full time or submit whatever they earn to them.
9. They Shut You Down When You Question Them Actions
Another sign that you are in an abusive relationship is when what you say or think does not matter to your partner. They do nothing and require your input.
It is basically like a slave-master relationship. One partner gives the orders, and the other partner just carries out the order. If you make an input, they dismiss it.
When you voice out your disagreement or question any decision they take or want to take, they shut you down by shouting and mocking you.
They tell you that you are subordinate and, as such, have no say in the relationship. They can also belittle you by making a mockery of your wits.
10. They Gaslight You
One of the signs of an abusive relationship is gaslighting. What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is a tool of manipulation used by abusers to mislead the victim and make them doubtful of their reality and judgment.
Gaslighting makes the victim think they are losing their minds because the abuser makes it seem as though what they remember is false. Here are some examples of gaslighting
1. You confront your partner about how they hurt you with their words the previous day, and they deny it and say you imagine things.
They tell you that it never happened. You hear something like, “I did not say that. How could I say such a vile thing to someone I love? You imagine things. It must be the effect of that drug you take for your migraine.”
2. They can also say something like, “But you know I was just kidding. Did you take that seriously? Come on! Don’t be that sensitive.”
3. Maybe they forced their way into making love with you, and when you complain, they accuse you of making it a big deal. You can hear something like, “Come on, that is not a big deal,” or “are you crying because of that? Don’t get so upset and dramatic. It’s just lovemaking, and you even enjoyed it”.
11. They Compare You To Others In A Derogatory Way
One of the signs that you are in an abusive relationship is when your partner constantly compares you with others in a negative light.
They compare you to others close to you: for example, “You can’t even dress stylishly. Look at your friend Tam and learn. Stop being so primitive.”
The goal of this tactic is to make you feel lowly about yourself. It serves to crush your self-esteem and make you feel like you are not good enough. And when abusers do this, they kick off that part of their victim that they want to please.
You find that the victim begins to find ways to please and impress the abuser so they can have a sense of belonging. When this happens, even when physical abuse happens, the victim endures it, hoping that the endurance will please the abuser.
12. They Punish You When You Offend Them
In a healthy relationship, there is no room for one partner to punish the other. When disagreements occur, as they often would in any given human relationship, couples confer and talk about the elephant in the room. A compromise is reached, and life goes on.
But in an abusive relationship, you find that one partner serves as the punisher as though the victim is a slave. Abusers who are men mostly use physical strength here. They beat up their partners for disobeying them or for even arguing with them.
Abusers punish their partners for offending them in some other ways. They can choose to withhold money, refuse to tend to their partner when they are sick and in need of care, give the silent treatment or stay away from home for a long while, cutting communications with you. This is a tactic they use to get back at you or punish you for offending them.
13. They Always Want To Maintain A Perfect Image To Outsiders
If there is one thing someone who perpetrates abuse wants, it is to make sure others don’t come to your rescue. This is because when others interfere, they break the hold the abuser has on you.
And if there is anything an abuser wants more than anything, it is to have control and power over their victim. An abuser would not want others to know or see what their victim is passing through.
They want to appear perfect and want outsiders to see how perfect your relationship is, even though it is not. Abusers are narcissists.
They care about how others perceive them, so when their victim paints them in a bad light, they react by tightening their grip on the victim, either by hitting or threatening them.
14. They Think And Act Like They Are Better Than You
One of the signs of an abusive relationship is a superiority complex. This means that one partner is perpetually condescending.
The person thinks they are better than their partner may be by earning more than them or by being born into an upper-class home.
When in a relationship with this kind of person, they see you as a second-class citizen and as someone who should not have a say or input on how the relationship is run. You can hear them say things like, “You were a low-life before I met you.
I made you what you are today. You were nothing before you married me.” If the person you are in a relationship with uses these words, then there is a problem.
15. They Raise Their Hands On You
This sign is the hallmark of all the signs of an abusive relationship. It is like a sure and standard metric for measuring abuse.
If your partner raises their hands on you, then it is an abusive relationship. Physical violence is one of the markers of domestic abuse.
The abuser can be violent in many ways: they can push you or shake you so violently that it hurts. They can whip or use their hands.
Some even grab their partners and ram them into the wall or table. It is important to know that these are signs of an abusive relationship and that when it occurs once, there is every chance that it will occur again.
16. Bombardment Of Love
One sign that you might be stepping into an abusive relationship is when your partner or prospective partner showers you with excessive gifts and too many praises at the start of your relationship.
They tell you how they can’t live without you; they send you flowers at work. If this happens too often when you two are still getting to know each other, then you should watch out.
Again, abusers, after hurting their victim, also use love bombardment to make the abused stay with them-a in severe cases of manipulation.
17. Threatening To Kill Themselves
Some abusers don’t threaten to kill their victims; they threaten to kill themselves.
Maybe you both quarreled, and you decided to stay away for some time, and your partner broke down and started threatening to kill themselves. This is a means of manipulation so you can stay put.
Warning Signs of An Abusive Relationship
What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship? Here are some of the pointers that a relationship may be abusive:
1. Your Partner Is Hypersensitive
Sensitivity is a necessary tool needed to navigate life as it helps us with discernment.
But when it becomes too much, it can spell a problem. If your partner flares up and gets angry at every slightest provocation, then that is a red flag.
2. Your Partner Is Cruel To Children And Animals
Granted, not everyone is great with kids, and not everyone likes pets. But it is a red flag if your partner is cruel to animals.
If your partner harms or tortures animals or is a bully to kids, then they are abusive. Again, if they tease children till they cry, then that is a sign of abuse.
How To Get Help
How do you get help if you are in an abusive relationship? You get help by speaking up. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you have to speak to someone.
The power of the abuser often grows when the victim keeps quiet. Speak to someone you trust, someone who can help. You can also speak with a doctor or therapist. The therapist will help you create a safe exit plan that can save you.
Signs Of An Abusive Relationship From The Outside
What are the signs of an abusive relationship from the outside? Do you feel like your friend or sibling is in an abusive relationship? What are some of the signs to look out for in an abusive relationship? Here they are:
1. There Are Bruises On Them
If your friend, sibling, or coworker seems to have cuts and bruises often, that is a sign they are being abused.
2. They Feel Agitated When You Talk About Their Partner
Have you noticed your friend acting fidgety when you talk about their spouse? Chances are that they are being abused.
3. They Cancel Plans Abruptly
Has your friend suddenly started acting weird? Canceling plans last minute more often? Declining from meeting up with you? They might be in an abusive relationship.
4. Their Partner Does Not Want You Around
It is common for people in a relationship to want to spend time together often, but as the novelty of the relationship wears away, life should settle back to normal. They must not always be with their partner.
If you notice that your friend’s partner always wants to be around them, and does not want anyone else to come close, then there is a problem. Abusers usually don’t like their victims having other relationships.
5. They Look Unhappy Often
Have you noticed that your friend or sibling is always moody, sad, and even distant and lost in thoughts? Abusive relationships drain the joy in the victims’ lives. There is a possibility that your friend or sibling is a serious fix.
Signs Of The Start Of An Abusive Relationship
What are the signs of the start of an abusive relationship? The signs of the start of an abusive relationship are usually evident only that sometimes the novelty of a new relationship blinds. Here are some clues that you might be in a relationship with an abuser:
1. Unwarranted Jealousy
Seeing someone jealous of us can be such a sweet thing. But excessive jealousy is a red flag. If your new partner is always embittered when you speak to others or sees everyone as their competition, that is a sign that they might be abusive.
2. Controlling
Do you feel like you always have to take permission from your partner before you do something? Because if you don’t, they will lash out, give you the silent treatment, or ghost you? That is a telling sign that you might be in an abusive relationship.
3. Starting Over
So, you just got into this new relationship, and your partner is all about changing scenery, moving to a new place to start over, pausing, and being careful. Sometimes, it is not a good idea.
This could be a tactic used to isolate and alienate you from all that is familiar. And when this happens, you may find it hard to get help from friends and family if you are far away and abuse sets in.
4. Criticism
Is your partner always picky about what you wear, how you eat, walk, and laugh? Are they always critical of your choice of friends? This should ring a bell in your head. People who are perpetual critics are usually perfectionists and control freaks.
5. Superiority Complex
Healthy self-esteem is good for everyone, but it is not rare to see people who have crossed the thin line between self-esteem and full-blown arrogance. How does your partner carry themselves?
Do they always go about putting on hair? Do they snort and think less of the porter, waiter, or doorman? That is a telling sign that you will be looked down upon too.
Conclusion
For most people, it is not an abusive relationship if the abuse does not have physical violence. And that is why even when physical violence starts, it becomes difficult to leave.
Abusive partners know how to manipulate and mess with the emotions and self-esteem of their victims. This is why this article, the signs of an abusive relationship, was written to inform you about the various forms of abuse that can come in, in a relationship.
Finally, when you get the memo that you are in an abusive relationship, try as much as you can, discretely, to speak to someone. Speak to a trusted friend, therapist, or doctor.
Sharing is caring!
