The signs of a controlling boyfriend are often hidden under the guise of romance, protection, and care.
But no matter how subtle the signs are, this article seeks to expose them for what they are-the need to control.
A relationship is supposed to be fun; it is supposed to be two persons coming together to share their lives. But sometimes, we see that relationships turn to captivity.
Where one partner seeks to be lord and master, neglecting the fact that the person they are in a relationship with is an adult with full ability to be independent.
If your boyfriend has one or more of these traits that we are to list in this article, know that you are with a controlling boyfriend. Here are some of those traits:
1. He Dictates Who You See And Who You Don’t See
One of the signs of a controlling boyfriend is dictatorship. He is the one who decides who you meet with and who you dont.
This often starts with him telling you that he is not comfortable with a particular friend and would want them to stop coming around. You ask him why and he can’t come up with a tangible reason.
Sometimes you hear him say, ‘I have a bad feeling about him.’ A control freak boyfriend will not allow you to spend time with your other friends.
They can even suggest that one of your colleagues or acquaintances has their eyes on you, so you should be wary. Choosing your friends for you is one behaviour that makes him a controlling person.
2. You Are Always Wrong
So, you have this partner who is never wrong. Anytime something goes awry, you are the one that is blamed for it.
There is no part of the wrongdoing he takes the blame for. Do you often approach him about something wrong that he did, and he turned the whole thing to make it look like your fault?
For example, you two agreed he would get the groceries on his way back from work, but he didn’t.
And when you confronted him, he argued that it was your fault as you didn’t remind him.
That is one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend. Humans are prone to making mistakes, and it is the right thing for everyone to take responsibility for their errors.
You might reconsider your relationship if you have a partner who heaps the blame on you all the time.
3. He Distrusts You
This one isn’t rocket science. One of the signs of a controlling boyfriend is distrust. He does not think you can withstand attention from other men.
That is why he curates your friend list and eliminates your male friends. Whenever he comes to pick you up from work and sees you chatting with a male colleague, he starts asking what you two were discussing.
This is a case of him projecting his insecurity on you. But that is not how it should be.
Love should make one feel secure, and trust should be one of the byproducts of love. If that trust isn’t there, the relationship will hit the rocks.
4. He Does Not Treat You Like An Equal
This sign shows if you are with a man who grew up in a deeply patriarchal culture, a culture that sees women as less. And this is one of the issues modern-day feminists are fighting against.
In case you don know, you are not less of a human being than your man. A relationship is not where one comes to flex muscles and show who is the stronger, more affluent, or more influential.
Relationships are places of love; therefore, you should not put up with someone that treats you like a baby.
Do you have a boyfriend who dictates who you meet and talk with? Does he have to approve for you to wear certain clothing and attend a particular type of conference? Does he make all of the relationship’s decisions and expect you to follow his plan without question? That is one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend.
5. He Keeps Count Of Your Previous Mistakes
In a way, controlling boyfriends are also manipulative boyfriends. And this is because they always need to find a way to keep you under them.
There is always this need to keep you under tabs, so you dont rebel. One of such manipulative ways is by keeping count of all the wrongs you have done to him.
Say, you offended him and apologized, and the next thing he starts recounting all the other times you’ve annoyed him.
It is as though there is a place where he stores all of your wrongdoings and brings them out when you two have issues.
Sometimes, he also can use it to blackmail you into doing something for him. Say he needed you to get something for him, and you refuse; he could recount previous wrongs you’ve done to him and even go ahead to suggest that you dont love him.
But that is not love because love does not keep count of wrong done to it. If he keeps count of wrongdoings, he is showing one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend.
6. He Doesn’t Allow You To Have Your Privacy
So, what about privacy? Should personal privacy be erased because one is in a relationship? Not really. Every individual has the right to private life, whether in a relationship or not.
Your man is not supposed to be a guardian angel, ever-present at every turn of your life. One of the signs of a controlling boyfriend is that they do not understand the concept of individuality and privacy.
You and your boyfriend are not Siamese twins; you both have separate lives to live.
Attitudes such as insisting on reading your social media messages and SMS, inquiring you tell them who spoke to you on the phone, and asking you to give them the contact and address of who you are hanging out with are all signs of control.
7. He Threatens You
One of the most prominent signs of a controlling boyfriend is threats. People who seek to control others like to tamper with their partner’s self-worth.
They want to see you lose every ounce of self-esteem so they can easily manipulate you. And one of the tools they use in manipulation is fear and threats.
Have you ever been with someone who is always threatening you? The threats usually come in different forms.
Some threaten to kill themselves if you leave them. Many people think this is cute, but it is not. It is a means of control.
Some threaten to leave you if you don’t comply with their wishes, some threaten to kill or harm others if they see you hang out with them, and some threaten to cut off some privileges you have by being in a relationship with them.
If you are served threats in a relationship, you can know for free that you are with a toxic and controlling person.
8. His Love Is Conditional
One of the characteristics of genuine love is that it is unconditional. A love that requires you to meet a certain standard or criteria is not genuine.
Have you ever been in a relationship where the guy is all loving and adorable when you obey him but suddenly becomes a monster when you don’t? He begins to treat you like you mean nothing to him when you refuse to abide by his strict rules.
He starts avoiding you and stops providing for you if you two live together. This kind of man starts behaving strangely.
He won’t talk to you nor respond to whatever you say. He would shut you out of his life for days, punishing your disobedience.
And even when you do ask him to forgive you, he ensures he makes you understand that you are unworthy of getting his mercy. Well, if that is your man, he is showing one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend.
9. He Wants You To Put Him First All The Time
At the core of a controlling person is also selfishness. All they do is what would satisfy their ego, quell their fears and assuage their insecurities. If your man is selfish, that is one sign of a controlling boyfriend.
These kinds of men have no consideration for how their partner feels. A controlling boyfriend does not care that he is embarrassing you in front of a friend.
All he is interested in is marking his territory. He is always and only after what you can do for him and how good you can make him feel.
For him, his feeling is paramount. He would rather you stay home and keep him company than go for a program that will develop your career or self.
10. He Gives You The Silent Treatment After A Fight
Many people do not know this, but giving your partner the silent treatment after a fight is emotional abuse and bullying.
So, if your boyfriend resorts to keeping mum after a fight, he shows signs of a controlling boyfriend.
As adults in a healthy relationship, silent treatment is not the way forward. What one should do instead is to confront the partner and thrash out the situation at hand.
Giving silent treatment is a way of forcing a partner to seek reconciliation with the perpetrator.
It is a controlling tactic because it is used to punish. It is used to isolate the victim from care and communication.
And it hurts really bad when someone you love does that to you because we humans need communication as social creatures.
11. He Is Excessively Jealous
A little show of jealousy is not bad in a relationship. If anything, it shows that your boyfriend cares about you and would not want anyone taking his place.
But jealousy has its limits. It should not be irrational. Excessive jealousy can be consuming and toxic if it is not tamed.
When it gets to this point, your boyfriend begins to act all weird. You notice they suddenly want to know what is going on with you and anybody you meet.
Trust flies out of the window. This kind of jealousy breeds irrational fear that might lead your boyfriend to always check your phone for clues of your cheating.
The next thing that follows suit is his being all restrictive and possessive. So much so that it begins to choke you. This jealousy is one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend.
12. He Lacks Empathy
First off, what is empathy? It is the capacity to relate to what someone is going through. Sadly, not everyone has this capacity, and it may be your boyfriend is on the other side of the divide.
If he lacks empathy, it will be hard for him to understand your feelings. He will expect you to act or react in a certain way. And when you don’t, they become critical of you.
Lack of empathy is one of the signs of a controlling boyfriend because he will not listen or consider your feelings or opinions in whatever he is doing.
He will not think or understand how any of his actions or inactions affect you as an individual. So, everything he does, everything he thinks is right, irrespective of how it makes you feel.
13. He Demands Perfection From You
One of the signs of a controlling boyfriend is demanding perfection. Have you ever been with someone hard to please? He has the exact way he wants to do things; he has specific ways he wants to be treated.
Failure to abide strictly by his manner of doing things will amount to anger and ridicule on his part. But people like this fail to understand that perfection is unattainable as a human being.
They also fail to realize that they are not even perfect themselves. And truth be told, being with such a person can be downright frustrating.
He will complain about the texture of your meals, the number of times you called him at work, criticize you for not meeting up to a particular standard, and react in anger when you do not do something their way.
14. He Is Suspicious Of You Cheating
One of the signs that your partner is controlling is suspicion. A boyfriend who is controlling will always be suspicious of you. This is because, first, at his core, he has trust issues.
He does not believe that you can be loyal to him. The second is that he has low self-esteem. He does not think a woman like you can be devoted to someone like him.
He has such little opinion of himself that he projects his insecurities onto you.
It is not uncommon for such a man to always accuse you of cheating with both legit and ridiculous proof.
If you have this kind of boyfriend, he is controlling and should be handled cautiously.
15. He Abuses You
This is the hallmark of all of the signs your boyfriend is controlling. If he abuses you, he sees you as less and lords it over you.
His abuse can come in many forms; it can come as verbal abuse, where he insults and shouts at you.
It can be emotional when he gives you the silent treatment or refuse to acknowledge your presence. It could be physical when he raises his hands and hits you.
It could be financial abuse, where he restricts the amount of money you get. All these abuses have one thing in common; they seek to dominate and bring the other person to their knees.
Do you have an abusive boyfriend? It is vital that you get away from him as soon as possible because abuse will mess with your mental health.
Should you want to get out of an abusive relationship and don’t know how kindly contact your domestic violence hotline for urgent help. You can find their hotline with a Google search.
Controlling Relationship Signs
Controlling relationship signs show when your partner’s wish is always your command and their word is the law. You do not have any say in anything in the relationship.
They are the judge, jury, and executioner. They do not listen to your suggestions, and even when they do, they dont implement them.
These kinds of people will not take no for an answer. And when you try to stand your ground and do what is best for you for a change, they begin to throw tantrums.
Another sign that you are in a controlling relationship is when your partner desperately tries to change you to suit his desire.
They force you to be what you are not by dictating your dress, the kind of TV shows you watch, and the kind of company you keep.
Signs He Wants To Control You
Below are some of the signs he wants to control you:
1. He Guilt-Trips You
Guilt-tripping is one of the signs of a controlling man. The first step to them guilt-tripping you is discovering your weak point.
When they do, they exploit that weakness to suit them. Let us say he realizes you are never comfortable when he gives you the silent treatment; he will use this to his advantage.
Whenever you two have a problem, he’d go mute on you because he knows you will be uncomfortable and come to ask for forgiveness whether you are right or wrong.
He will also tell you words that will make you feel sad, to make you do his bidding.
2. He Shows No Respect For Your Perspective
Does your boyfriend dismiss your opinion? Is his word always law? If you express your perspective, and he ignores you or makes degrading comments about your idea, that means he is controlling.
Early Signs Of A Controlling Boyfriend?
The early signs of a controlling boyfriend are the ones you should look out for before choosing to commit to him. Here are some of them:
1. Stalking
One of the signs of a controlling boyfriend is that he will stalk you. The reason for the stalking is that he can catch you if you cheat.
He can do this stalking by showing up at your place or workplace without notice. When they cannot reach you, they constantly call to know your whereabouts.
They monitor your posts online to see if someone is after you. When you two are together, they check your phones for messages or calls from other guys.
2. He Does Not Have A Social Life
Is your boyfriend always with you? He is either at home or with you if he is not at work. He has no friends and no social events he attends.
He is just fixated on you. He won’t let you be social too. This kind of man will also want to kill your social life and throw tantrums should you try to resist him.
Do Controlling Partners Cheat?
You might be wondering, ‘Do controlling partners cheat?’ Well, not all controlling partners cheat. Some are just controlling and abusive, while some cheat. For those that cheat, being controlling is a means they employ to ensure their cheating is kept under the carpet.
They are controlling because they fear their partner will also do what they do. This makes them insecure in the relationship and project their shortcomings on others.
In addition, these controlling partners that cheat are experts in not only suspecting their partner is cheating but also in accusing them of cheating.
Even when they have no concrete evidence to back up their claims. So, even though not all controlling partners cheat, there is a chance that some do.
Conclusion
One of the reasons why most people are neck-deep into a relationship with controlling partners is because they fail to recognize the controlling behaviour early.
Most people find it cute when their partners dote on them so much, not realizing it is the first step to losing their identity and individuality.
Having read the article, your next question would be what to do about it. Well, what to do depends on the severity of his controlling behaviour. If he is mildly controlling, there are a few things you can try.
First, you can coerce him into seeing a therapist with you. If he agrees to go with you to a therapist, he is willing to change. Give him that chance.
Compliment him when you notice a change in their behaviour. If he refuses to go to therapy with you or is too controlling that it chokes him, the best thing to do is to leave for your sanity and safety. You have to choose yourself first.
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