Have you ever tried pouring your heart out to a friend or partner, only to have them spend the whole time scrolling through their phone or interrupt you with unrelated questions, comments, or jokes?
I know how frustrating it can be, as I once dated a guy who thought being open meant replying fine when asked how he was feeling. We barely lasted two months, and that’s probably because I craved for the relationship to work out.
Emotional unavailability isn’t just about dodging serious conversations or ghosting dinner plans and dates. It’s much deeper and sneakier, and leaves you wrapped in a state where you crave intimacy but get served crumbs.
So, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? If you find yourself constantly wondering whether someone shares the same emotional connection you have with them, here are some signs to help you answer the question:
1. They Back Out Of Options To Commit
When someone is emotionally unavailable, they often show less interest in making commitments, whether these commitments are minor, like planning occasional date nights, helping with chores, and making regular phone or video calls, or more significant, like moving in together, getting engaged or married, or supporting each other’s big life goals.
Maybe you suggest getting together next week, and they agree enthusiastically with you, so you ask what day works for them. “Let me check my calendar and get back to you,” but they never do.
Or at the last minute, they backtrack and come up with an excuse as to why they can’t make it. Sometimes, they blame the change of heart on their unwillingness to give up their independence or on thinking they can do better.
2. They Can Be Controlling
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? An emotionally unavailable person tends to be naturally self-centered and likes to call the shots, often due to their tendency to always have things going their way.
When you see each other, they tend to choose activities that align with your typical routine, and usually something that suits their own.
They make decisions based on what they want or what will benefit them the most, without considering how their actions might affect others, which makes them seem insensitive and uncaring.
You often see them watching the latest episode of their favorite Netflix shows or asking you to help them out around the house.
While this might not necessarily be a red flag, especially if they seem receptive to your ideas and suggestions, if they never ask what you’d like to do, or seem irritated when you don’t go along with their plan, it may be time to reconsider the relationship and whether it’s really serving your needs.
When confronted, an emotionally unavailable partner often tends to respond defensively rather than express their true emotions. They even deflect or redirect blame to you so that they don’t have to face whatever it is they’re feeling.
3. You’re The Only One Putting In Effort
Your partner may be emotionally unavailable if you find that you’re the only one putting effort into the relationship.
If you struggle to remember when last they sent a text that wasn’t a direct response to a message of yours, and you feel a little frustrated that they never set up a date or initiated any plans, then that answers the question, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
With an emotionally unavailable partner, you find that you’re the one doing all the calling, texting, and planning.
They enjoy spending time with you, primarily when it works for them, but you rarely hear from them when you aren’t spending time together.
Here’s the thing with an emotionally unavailable partner: if you don’t make things happen, they probably won’t happen. And this is because putting in less effort is one of their way of protecting their emotions and keeping one foot out the door.
4. They Avoid Commitment
One common trait of emotionally unavailable people is that they often avoid intimacy and commitment, and tend to bail whenever things start to get serious.
This is because they frequently feel anxious or fearful about commitment, whether it involves defining the relationship, making future plans, or fully investing in a partner.
You notice that they always embark on dates, spend nights together, see one another’s friends, but refuse to commit to making the relationship official.
They may avoid labeling the relationship, prefer to keep their options open, or hesitate to even make short-term commitments.
Instead, they prefer to keep things casual and end up saying things like, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” or end up replying, “We’re fine the way we are,” whenever you talk about taking the relationship to the next level.
There’s a possibility you caught them at a time when they weren’t ready for commitment, but anyone who repeatedly beats down any chance of intimacy or commitment is likely emotionally unavailable. This reluctance can ultimately lead to uncertainty and emotional distance in the relationship.
5. You Never Seem To Grow Closer
While an emotionally unavailable partner might seem like they enjoy hanging out and spending time with you, there’s always this feeling that things never quite take off.
They leave you continually investing energy into the relationship with the hope of someday getting closer, yet your efforts at getting closer never pay off, and they never seem to reciprocate either.
One of the reasons for this is that emotionally unavailable people often mistake independence for strength, and while independence is valuable, they use it to avoid forming deep connections or relying on others for support.
This struggle to trust or lean on others, makes them feel even more distant and withdrawn and shows what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable.
6. They’re Closed Off Emotionally
Emotionally unavailable people often think that closeness, intimacy, and emotional vulnerability could lead to getting hurt, so they completely avoid getting emotional.
As a result of this, any efforts you make to elicit emotions from them may lead to them pulling away or redirecting conversations back to you.
They might joke their way through serious talks, vanish when things get intense, or hit you with the classic “I’m just not good at this relationship thing.”
This can be a deal breaker because relationships are all about connecting on an emotional level, and when this is lacking, the relationship becomes nonexistent. While not everyone likes to discuss their emotions, it remains a fundamental requirement for healthy relationships.
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? If your partner can’t open up to you, even when you’re the one initiating a conversation and asking direct questions, they may be emotionally unavailable.
7. They Feel Overwhelmed By Emotional Intimacy
Emotionally unavailable people are often fiercely independent and self-sufficient, and this is often an illusion used to evade being vulnerable with their feelings.
And this discomfort with intimacy is usually characterized by an excessive need for alone time in a relationship.
They are primarily driven by a desire for independence, with their greatest fear being the loss of themselves in another person. So they seek space and solitude to regulate their anxiety, especially during conflicts.
They Consistently Neglect Plans or Show Up Late. When someone consistently fails to keep commitments or shows up late, it is a subtle way of keeping someone at a distance, indicating that they’re emotionally unavailable.
You made plans for a date, they agreed to it, but as time draws closer, they suddenly feel like giving up their free time is the last thing they’d want to do.
They just can’t seem to turn up on time, especially when it’s a date or a get-together. Even if you give them six weeks’ notice, they end up suddenly canceling with two days to go, citing a work commitment that “I just can’t say no to.”
Yes, they might still care and even apologize with sincerity, but they often prioritize their wants and therefore struggle to adjust their life to accommodate you.
This is evident in the fact that they often cancel plans or back out, more often than not, which suggests they’re not ready to prioritize the relationship’s needs over their own.
Alongside being inconsistent with what they want from you or the relationship, emotionally unavailable partners also tend to be inconsistent in general. They take hours or days to answer texts, regularly claiming to be “busy” or ghosting altogether.
What Does It Mean To Be Emotionally Unavailable?
Being emotionally unavailable is the inability to sustain emotional bonds in relationships. It’s the struggle to form deep, meaningful connections, openly express emotions with loved ones, and respond to a partner’s feelings genuinely.
This struggle often results in keeping loved ones at a distance, struggling with vulnerability, avoiding deep conversations, and shying away from commitment.
They may seem engaged at times, but rarely open up fully, sometimes even leaving the relationship before it becomes serious.
Healthy relationship is the ability of partners to balance their individual needs with their romantic commitments; however, emotionally unavailable people always worry that they’ll lose themselves in a relationship and are unwilling to change their lives to fit someone else’s.
While there might be nothing wrong with that, it makes them less available to commit to a relationship and answers the question of what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
An emotional unavailable person simply describes someone who is not open to discussing or sharing their feelings, and there are a number of factors that bring about emotional unavailability.
Many people believe that being emotionally unavailable means the person is not interested in a relationship; however, that is not always the case, and sometimes multiple factors may contribute to someone’s emotional unavailability.
One major cause of emotional unavailability is attachment issues, which stem from childhood challenges with caregivers who didn’t show interest in their feelings or offer much affection and support.
I once dated a guy who once said, “We didn’t talk about feelings in my house, we just did chores.” And that told me all I needed to know about his emotional thermostat. No wonder he was always reluctant to get into deep conversations.
They struggled for their emotional needs to be met and therefore adopted this as a model for their relationship. As they grew into adulthood, this formed the foundation of their personality, and they ended up withholding or refusing to express emotions.
Emotional unavailability could also be a result of temporary circumstances, like partners wanting to focus on their career, a new or demanding job, a loss in the family, and medical or mental health conditions like depression.
This reminds me of a friend of mine who went AWOL after he lost his father and didn’t just have it in him to talk about us. It wasn’t personal; he was just in grief, and that’s why emotional unavailability is sometimes down to temporary circumstances.
These temporary circumstances simply mean they are not ready for a relationship at that time in their lives, and this makes them have a hard time sustaining an emotional connection with loved ones.
Someone who’s recovering from an unpleasant breakup, unrequited feelings, or relationship toxicity or abuse might experience difficulties being emotionally vulnerable with a new partner.
This contributes to feelings of low self-esteem, which makes it even more difficult to experience and share intimacy.
Emotional unavailability may also develop due to past experiences of infidelity or gaslighting, which keeps them fearful or hypervigilant in subsequent relationships, leading to them protecting their emotions to avoid getting hurt again.
Signs Someone Is Not Open Emotionally
Being emotionally vulnerable and allowing others into your life in a deep and significant way is how you build close friendships and romantic relationships. However, forming these kinds of connections with someone emotionally unavailable can be challenging.
So, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? Some crucial signs of emotional unavailability include shying away from conversations about emotional experiences or talking a lot about their life and interests, without ever asking about your hobbies.
Even when they seem to engage in conversations, they struggle to take them beyond the surface level and often avoid ones that are centered around the nature of the relationship, preferring to stick to more trivial or lighthearted topics or redirect conversations back to you.
When confronted with conversations about their feelings toward you and the relationship in general, they end up walking on eggshells, sending mixed messages, staying vague about their intentions, or claiming to want a relationship but not matching their actions to this statement.
It is not just about the inability to open up that shows someone is emotionally unavailable; they also struggle with feelings and emotions, and won’t ask direct questions about how you’re feeling.
Instead, they end up asking vague questions like, “What are you thinking?” to deflect conversations from themselves.
When you decide to take the initiative and share your feelings, they may pull away due to their inability to understand or share someone else’s feelings. This is because truly empathizing means accessing their own emotional experience or reflecting on how what you said makes them feel.
And this makes it difficult for them to relate to you, to put themselves in your shoes, or to consider your feelings when making decisions. And it is this lack of investment in you and the relationship that leaves you wondering if they even like you.
So, what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? Not only do emotionally unavailable people tend to shy away from deep conversations, they also struggle to take responsibility for their mistakes and offer sincere apologies. Instead, they deflect or shift the blame to others to avoid the vulnerability associated with taking personal accountability.
In some cases, they apologize quickly, but make no genuine effort to change because they aren’t deeply invested in the relationship. They’re also critical of others as a way of keeping them at a distance, and this enables them to maintain their sense of power and control.
This is usually not a personal issue, as they’re accustomed to relying on themselves and being self-sufficient. However, this can cause others to feel like they’re walking on eggshells or sacrificing their own needs to maintain the status quo within the relationship.
Other signs of someone who is not emotionally open include a fear of commitment, frequently discussing their ex, or expressing unrequited feelings for a friend.
They care more about appearances than connections and therefore focus more on their physical appearance, status, or material goods over emotional bonds.
How To Deal With Emotional Unavailability
Emotional unavailability might be a complex issue, but it doesn’t have to be a permanent one. It requires recognizing and accepting your partner’s emotions, understanding their roots, and gradually taking small, intentional steps to build deeper emotional connections.
Begin by discussing your concerns with your partner and letting them know how their behavior is negatively impacting you and the relationship.
Dealing with emotional unavailability is only possible when the person involved is willing to work on becoming more emotionally available. Start with identifying the root cause behind it and this will give you an insight on what does it mean to be emotionally unavailable.
Maybe they’ve just gone through a nasty breakup and need more time before emotionally opening up again. Or a result of past experiences, like childhood neglect, which affects their ability to get close to people.
Consider asking them if there’s anything they need from you or if there’s anything you could do to support them in being more emotionally available. Additionally, you should practice validating your partner by telling them, “I can see how anxious you are to be vulnerable with me.”
Sometimes, overcoming emotional unavailability requires talking to a therapist who can offer guidance and support, along with helpful strategies and resources that help identify potential causes of emotional unavailability. It also enables one to take steps to break any unhelpful relationship patterns.
One thing to keep in mind when dealing with emotional unavailability is that overcoming it takes time and won’t happen overnight. This means that pushing an emotionally unavailable person too hard before they’re ready to open up can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort.
To help deal with emotional unavailability, offer them encouragement and support whenever they do open up. Also, encourage them to practice journaling their feelings, talking to trusted people about their emotions, or visiting a therapist.
Conclusion
Emotional unavailability doesn’t happen randomly and often stems from past experiences, personal fears, or current life circumstances.
They create distance, frustration, and misunderstanding in relationships, leading to a situation whereby one partner craves deeper connection, feels rejected or confused by their partner’s emotional detachment.
It can be managed, but often requires the emotionally unavailable partner to acknowledge the issue and seek help from trusted people or a professional.
Always remember that if your partner or someone you know is emotionally unavailable, it’s never your fault. Sometimes, people just have things they need to work on within themselves, and that’s okay.
