The idea of marriage is one many people in romantic relationships look towards with high expectations, pride, and an overriding sense of accomplishment.
However, the truth must be said. Marriage is not entirely a bed of roses, neither is it totally straightforward or smooth. There are several things couples should talk about before marriage, that is, questions to ask before marriage which if avoided could lead to conflicts and disaster in the nearest future.
Have you ever wondered why divorce is exceedingly common today? Ever wondered why so many marriages end within the first few years? This is because a lot of people are disregarding the bitter aspects of marriage and choosing to stick with the awesome stories. They are failing to consider the important questions to ask before marriage.
The truth is, everyone wants the best spouse. The one who’d understand your mood and feelings, even without words being said; the one who would sacrifice their comfort for your happiness; and the one who would stick close in times of despair.
However, it is easy to be blinded by the attractive physical and mental attributes of your partner that you fail to spot other signs that suggest you are not right for each other.
There are some unavoidable things to discuss before marriage as well as important things to know before marriage. You and your partner at some point during your dating and engaged life must be ready to ask each other some really tough questions that would define your relationship.
You must ask these questions, even if they make you uncomfortable. Also, you must both give clear, elaborate, and sincere responses and avoid hazy answers like “I don’t really know” or “I haven’t quite thought about it” if you are going to make progress in the relationship.
Before considering these questions to ask before marriage, however, let me tell you why they are important.
Why You Need To Ask Some Necessary Questions Before Marriage
For someone to act, they need to know the reason for and possible results of the action. For you and your partner to indulge in special moments of inquisitive conversations and knowledge sharing, you must know why these are important.
For starters, considering these questions to ask before marriage helps you arrive at a definite standpoint with regards to your level of compatibility with your partner. If you’re considering marriage, you may think you already know everything about your significant other.
You guys may look like a match made in heaven. You have similar tastes in music and food, love the same kind of books and movies, are both close to your families, are suckers for staying indoors, and maybe even support the same interests and hobbies.
Perhaps you already live together without any issue and therefore feel making the arrangement more permanent shouldn’t be any difficult. But there are some important questions to ask before marriage that you might have disregarded.
It is important to consider your compatibility with weighty topics, too. What are your plans for retirement? How will you share the responsibility of caring for the kids, if you have any? How would you cope with conflicts in the future?
It might seem like you’re stretching things far and being too serious, but if you plan to live with this person for the rest of your life, you must consider these important questions to ask.
Ordinarily one might assume people seeking to get into committed relationships usually address those important issues before tying the knot. Ironically, many of them ignore the elephant in the room.
According to marriage therapist Hatty J. Lee, “A lot of people start having these conversations when they’re engaged and then feel like it’s too late.” Asking these serious but necessary questions can save your marriage from the usual stress and drama in the future and help you avoid the murky waters of divorce.
Why Is Communication Important For Healthy Marriages
I am certain you must have heard so many times how important effective communication is for healthy relationships. If you find it difficult to converse freely with your partner without feeling judged or misunderstood, you would be unable to ask the important questions.
Liken communication in relationships to a river. When couples easily share opinions, ideas, and feelings, everything flows smoothly. Everyone feels important and loved. However, when things are edgy and rough, the relationship can suffer in several ways.
To successfully deal with these questions to ask before marriage, there must be a healthy dose of communication in your relationship. If you find it difficult to relate with your partner right now, you should start thinking seriously about what a married future might look like for both of you.
When couples can talk freely and safely share their private and sensitive thoughts, the relationship blossoms. Romantically involved couples cannot avoid disagreements. However, when the communication lines are not blurred, you can easily resolve budding conflicts and avoid making painful, hurtful, or commanding statements.
Effective communication means couples listen to each other attentively and with sympathy without jumping to hasty conclusions. They do not seek out each other’s flaws but look for ways to address existing concerns and differences.
If you feel you and your partner suck at effective communication, you can work your way around this and create a stronger bond. All it requires is to learn the ropes of communication and practice the same. This way, you can easily address important matters worth discussing such as these questions to ask before marriage.
Questions To Ask Before Marriage
After months or years of dating, you might think you know all there is to know about your significant other. However, the answers to the following questions are very important in a marriage and as such must be carefully sought.
These questions address significant subject areas including finances, family, religion, and life after marriage. You must be certain you see a future together with your partner before diving into these questions as you can’t go asking them on a second date.
So, if you’re ready, here are some of the most important questions to ask before marriage.
1. Am I Ready For Marriage?
One of the questions to yourself before marriage is if you are actually ready to take the step. Getting married is not a decision you just happen upon. It takes careful planning as well as long periods of personal deliberation to finalize on tying the knot.
You must search yourself inwardly to be certain the decision is indeed yours and not fueled by some external forces. If you get married without being completely ready, the expectations and responsibilities you are bound to encounter after your honeymoon period has ended could possibly throw you over the edge.
So, ensure you clear every speck of doubt about your readiness to take the leap. If you have even the slightest doubt, take a while to step back and evaluate the situation.
Understand the reasons behind your doubts and work towards clearing them. Do you question his commitment levels? Are you concerned about your ability to fulfill the requirements of a wife? Are you getting married because you feel pressured?
Love alone will not make your relationship work. So think carefully before agreeing to walk down the aisle with your partner.
2. Why Do You Want To Get Married
It is one thing to question your readiness for marriage, it is another to seek the reason behind your partner’s interest in getting married. Before getting married, it is important that both parties mutually arrive at the decision themselves and understand why they are going into the union.
For this reason, you need to ask your partner why they intend to get into a marital union. If they struggle to come up with an answer, it’s probably a sign that you need to tread cautiously.
Sometimes, people decide to get married because they think it is something they need to do at some point, they are pressured by friends and family, they want to make the relationship more secure, or because they want to satisfy their partner.
However, the realization that marriage changes your life forever should make you want to be certain of your actions. He or she might appear to be the perfect person, but don’t you think it would make more sense to wait a little longer before committing to marriage?
What if he thinks his cousin only dated for six months so he must do the same, or he competes with his twin over who would tie the knot first? You just might never know the real reason behind a marriage decision until you ask. So, ask this question before saying yes.
3. Would You Like To Have Kids, And If Yes, How Will You Train Them?
Before getting married, it’s important to ask the question of kids. Not everyone is interested in raising children. As such, to avoid bottlenecks related to this issue, which might hinder the bliss in your relationship, you must ensure to be on the same page with your partner before getting married?
Talk to them not only about the prospects of having kids but also how they envisage raising them.
Ask questions like:
- How many kids you would have
- How you would discipline your children
- How you would raise the children (Will you employ a nanny, or will one of you need to stay home?)
Don’t feel like you are thinking too far ahead, and even if you are, it is better to gain clarity on the littlest of things than spend money hiring a divorce lawyer later on.
4. What Would We Do If We Struggle To Get Pregnant?
Having discussed the prospects of having kids and raising them, you should also have a broader discussion as regards what would happen if for one reason or another you are unable to conceive.
The truth is, no one wants to be mired in the unfriendly waters of infertility, but it is also not an inconceivable notion entirely. Struggling to get pregnant could pose numerous emotional and psychological challenges in a marriage.
In some cases, couples are unable to think clearly and deal with the situation appropriately, leading to divorce or separation. In other cases, they struggle to communicate their feelings properly, with these bruised and hurt feelings likely to result in an unhappy union.
As such, you should decide well in advance what you would do if you are unable to bear children. Will you go through IVF, apply for adoption, or opt for surrogacy? Addressing this issue early will put you in the best position to tackle the situation if it ever occurs in the future.
5. What Are Your Financial Ambitions And How Will We Meet Them?
One of the most important questions to ask before marriage revolves around money. Yes, you need to have a hard talk concerning that five-lettered word that has caused the end of so many relationships.
Being on the same page with regards to your partner’s financial goals is crucial if you are going to indeed spend a lifetime together. Lee mentioned earlier, suggests talking about topics like debts, saving, and spending.
This is not the time to assume a position of secrecy, set boundaries, or close up your space. Instead, talk about how you intend to save for the future if you’d keep separate accounts or a merged one, and their stance on debts. Talking more on the latter pair…
6. What Is Your View On Debt?
If you are considering questions to ask before marriage that concerns your partner’s view on couples’ finances, asking about their view on debt is very important. While some people care less about stacking debts, others cannot bear the thought.
So endeavor to ask which side of the fence they stand. Are they adventurous with regards to spending or would they prefer to spend as they earn? Are they open to waiting patiently to achieve their financial goals, or do they seek instant financial fulfillment irrespective of the means?
A large number of Americans are in debt, so before agreeing to say your nuptial vows, talk about your credit card use and debts in general. Remember, these are sensitive issues that can affect you in the future, including your ability to take a mortgage or car loan.
7. Will You Combine Your Finances?
Apart from talking about debt, one of the important questions to ask before marriage concerns the issue of holding a joint account or not. If you plan on working together to meet your financial goals, one might assume it’s only normal for couples to combine their finance.
However, it doesn’t work this way for every Tom and Harry. This is why you must talk with your partner. Will, there be a general credit card that you would both have equal access to, or will you need to keep separate credit cards?
Some couples find out that combining their bank accounts helps promote financial transparency and accountability in the marriage. While others, for personal reasons, would prefer to keep their money separate.
Whichever one you plan to opt for, be sure to discuss it at length so it does not cause any conflict in the future
8. Will Their Religious Orientation Be An Issue?
The issue of religion, while appearing trivial, actually holds great significance to marital bliss. If you will be marrying a person who practices a religion or holds religious beliefs contrary to yours, it is important to ask questions like:
Will we have a religious marriage?
Is our religious belief likely to cause a dispute in the future?
What religion would we raise our kids in?
Even if the person you intend to marry shares the same or similar religious beliefs as you, it is still important to seek clarity on issues that might prove contentious down the line.
In this case, it’d be wise to ask questions like:
- How often would we have to attend services
- How will celebrate religious holidays?
- Do I have to attend the same religious denomination as you?
These questions help keep everyone aware of expectations so that you can avoid surprises in the future.
9. How Was It Like Growing Under Your Parents?
Asking about your partner’s upbringing is vital to help you understand their character, behavior she personality. If you have an all-around knowledge of your partner, you would be able to avoid aspects of their life that are sensitive or touchy.
For example, if they grew up learning to control their emotions by remaining silent during a conflict, you could easily misinterpret their subsequent behavior as an act of deliberate ignorance if you are not aware of this part of them.
Also, if they grew up shouting to pass their message across, they are likely to see this as a normal act, whereas you would think they are wont to yell always.
This is why you must ask deep questions that revolve around their upbringing and their parents. This way, you know what to expect when you eventually start living together as a family.
10. How Do We Deal With Our In-Laws?
Once a person decides to leave their family to settle down with their significant other, your partner assumes more priority instantly. Setting boundaries regarding your in-laws as you strive to build a new family is therefore a matter of great importance.
“There’s a lot of people who are still attached to their family of origin in a way where they feel like they’re still a little kid trying to please their family,” Lee says.
According to the therapist, learning to create a balance between the importance you place on your partner and your in-laws is crucial if your marriage will go on without extended family hiccups.
One simple question to ask your partner that will give you insight on how to move forward is this. “If I want something and your parent wants something else, how would you approach that?” Remember, some questions might be tough to ask but must be asked nonetheless.
11. What Are Your Deal-Breakers?
Anybody that tells you they have got no deal-breaker is avoiding the truth. It’s either they are in denial or they are yet to recognize what ends it for them.
Some people’s deal-breaker may be about common issues like kids, family, passionate interests, or emotional needs, while others might be more serious issues like infidelity or dishonesty.
Having an idea of things that are non-negotiable for your partner will help you weigh the odds to decide whether you are compatible or not.
12. How Open Should We Talk About Our Relationship With Others?
Privacy is an essential aspect of healthy marriages. If you or your partner have a penchant for sharing details about your life with friends, colleagues, or family, you might need to talk about the extent to which you can divulge information that concerns your marriage to a third party.
But then, it is one thing to set boundaries and another to adhere to them. Unless you wish to create an avenue for marital conflict, you must stick to the rules guiding your union.
13. How Will We Balance Professional And Domestic Duties?
Balancing professional responsibilities and domestic duties is one area a lot of couples find difficulty in reaching a mutual agreement. To avoid falling into this pitfall, you must talk about what is expected of each partner.
Will you both be career-driven? Will you both share equal responsibility for managing the home? When you openly discuss these issues as a team, you can both make compromises where needed and get on the same wavelength.
14. How Would We Resolve Conflict?
Although you are likely to know how best to resolve conflicts when you are already married, still, discussing how you plan to deal with potential disagreements, misunderstandings, and arguments will help fortify you for the long journey you intend to start.
Sometimes you might need to make really difficult but important decisions that might shape your relationship altogether – career, relocation, kids, money – knowing how best to cope in times like this is instrumental to keeping the relationship free of hostilities.
15. How Important Is Sensual Intimacy To You?
The issue of romance and sensual intimacy has led to the collapse of numerous initially thriving marriages. Sometimes, one party’s romantic taste and bedroom preference starkly contrast the other party’s.
A spouse who sucks at communicating their feelings will likely remain unhappily married or look elsewhere to satisfy their sensual tastes. For this reason, you must strive to be on the same page about lovemaking before you get married, irrespective of whether you already have an active sensual life or are waiting for marriage.
To achieve this, consider making inquiries like:
- How often do you want to make love?
- What will we do if one of us is experiencing a period of low sensual urges?
- What will we do if we can’t match each other’s sensual fantasies?
- Can we remain emotionally connected without making love?
Conclusion
To get into a marriage that will stand the test of time and overcome every hurdle life throws it at, you must know your partner like the back of your palm.
These questions to ask before marriage provides a perfect way to gain a proper understanding of a prospective life partner on a deeper level while building the emotional connection that you share.
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